I've been thinking about having a birthday party this year. It's odd because I hate parties. My entire life, there was only one party I dreamed of. I imagined the dress I would wear, what the flowers would look like, what my friends would say. I dreamt of exactly how I would feel when the door to my cage flew open. I imagined feeling the sun's warm hands on my face. I imagined suddenly being smarter, prettier, taller.
But when reality came, it was a cold day and the dress I wanted to wear was in a closet somewhere else. My friends were not with me, I was not taller, and my mind was wandering.
Mom's friends were really sad when they learned she died. I kind of just stood there. They cried and told us stories of how great she was. They wanted reassurance that she was not in pain when she died. We told them she was in no pain at all and that she died peacefully. They cried more. And I kind of just stood there. They'd tell us a story about some party they went to with mom and how pretty she was and then they'd end with and she was such a wonderful mother. And I kind of just stood there.
It takes a lot of energy to kind of just stand there for 40 years.
My mom was very pretty, and she was charming, and she was a good friend.
And, she was a horrific mother.
I stood there and wondered if anyone noticed my brother was quoting strangers in his eulogy. We did not have any good memories to share. I stood there and wondered if anyone noticed that none of us were crying. I stood there and wondered if anyone noticed the wonderful mother did not want to be buried near her children. I stood there and wondered if anyone noticed that we did the best for a mother who did not ever do the best for us. As the rabbi spoke of how lovely my mother was, I remembered my 10th birthday. As she threw a crystal ashtray at me, she screamed that if I really wanted a birthday cake I should bake it myself, or go live with my father. He'd disappeared years before. As I did every night hiding under the covers, I reminded myself that one day the sun would shine on me.
Now, I want that birthday cake I never got. I want to celebrate that I am finally free (and so is Mom). I want to tell the stories I was never able to tell. I can talk and laugh and answer my phone without fear. I can have a birthday party and not worry that either of my parents will show up and cause a scene. I can, I can, I can! I get to matter in my life in a way that I didn't get to before.
I will totally stand for that.
*Free with conflicting emotions.
[note: Journal page from Journal Revolution. The photo is our parents on their wedding day]
what an amazing truth .
I hope your party is everything you hope for, Linda.
I hope that the cake tastes sweeter and more perfect than anything you have ever experienced.
because every girl deserves to be a 10 year old princess.... even if they have to wait many more than 10 years to experience it.
Love to you
Ngaire
x
Posted by: Ngaire | January 26, 2011 at 03:11 PM
Enjoy your cake and your freedom!
xo Carole
Posted by: Carole Reid | January 26, 2011 at 03:34 PM
You should definitely have a party! It is about time! You should have everything and everyone you love around you.
Posted by: cjaxon | January 26, 2011 at 04:04 PM
Party like you have always dreamed!
Beautifully written, so honest and I'm proud to call you a friend of mine. Nicely written Linda and I know you will photograph the cake and enjoy every mouth full while surrounded by those you choose to have around you!
Posted by: Kathleen Tennant | January 26, 2011 at 04:27 PM
....beautiful
Posted by: Kim | January 26, 2011 at 04:37 PM
I was going to say I'm sorry you had to wait this long to be free, but what I'm really sorry about is that you were ever in a cage to begin with. I'd send a hug but I know you HATE hugs, so I'll send you a virtual peanutbutter cup and a big You Matter banner.
Posted by: V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios | January 26, 2011 at 05:09 PM
I just sent you an email. Let me know if you don't get it. (Hoping it went through.)
Posted by: Lelainia | January 26, 2011 at 05:49 PM
what a brave entry......it really resonates with me. I remember carrying a birthday cake to the table that I had made for my mom when I was twelve. She flipped me the finger and turned back to her gin and tonic. She has been gone a long time (28 years) and only this year have my sister and I begun to talk honestly about these memories. You make me feel brave too. Thank you.
(p.s.) now I want cake........
Posted by: susan crane | January 26, 2011 at 06:52 PM
You are a remarkable woman and my heart chants with you, 'free at last.' I wish for you the brightest and best birthday ever, whatever you decide to do!
Posted by: Bren | January 26, 2011 at 07:18 PM
I've never met you or your seester, but how I love you both! You and your siblings are amazing and deserve all good things. Congrats on the freedom! I'll celebrate you in the aisles of Trader Joe's on my next visit.
Posted by: Michelle | January 26, 2011 at 07:24 PM
I know how many times you must have written and rewritten this. Read and reread it too. Hovered over the "Publish" button, and felt a sigh of release and a little pang of, "I'm probably going to hear about this one," when you pressed it. Yet: you did it... more important, you did it for you. YOU came first, which is a very rare, if non-existant, occurrence (I've witnessed first hand as long as I've known you.)
I've got a post I've been writing (and not finishing) for 5 years. I'm glad you didn't wait 5 years.
I predict the best party SoCal has ever seen! Enjoy the best cake and the people you want to be around. I will be there in spirit!
Love you bunches and bunches!
Pam xox
Posted by: Pamela | January 26, 2011 at 07:35 PM
it's released...
great words and brave soul...
my heart breaks for that 10 year old girl. I pray that from this day forward the sun will forever shine on you. no need to hide under those covers anymore!
I want to party with you...
with princess crowns and goodie bags and a big huge cake. xoxo ciao!
Posted by: Nadia | January 26, 2011 at 08:06 PM
Long time lurker here but had to comment at last to say thank you for such an honest and brave post. I could have written it myself. Good to be reminded that we are not alone. Enjoy your party and dance your ass off!
Posted by: Suzanne | January 26, 2011 at 09:05 PM
Free indeed. Mmmmm CAKE.
Posted by: rachel whetzel | January 26, 2011 at 09:22 PM
I think you captured so well what is a truth about family (parents, siblings, etc.,) in most of our lives--that there is the person the world sees and the one only our family knows. Many times they are not alike at all. As a kid, how do you process that? I mean, really! Talk about trust issues!
And then, of course, there's our own truth... who we are that only we know, deep down, and few of us ever find the courage to tell anyone about. Thank you so much for this post! It was so honest and raw.
And even if you don't like hugs, I'd like to give your little-girl-self a hug!
Posted by: Lori | January 27, 2011 at 12:40 AM
Doing the best for some one who never did his best for you... I can relate to that. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: hedwig | January 27, 2011 at 05:20 AM
It takes a lot of energy to kind of just stand there for 40 years.
may your new found freedom
restore, renew and release
energy to burn on fun things
like cake, party dresses
and the revelation of true you
I will totally stand for that.
Posted by: Kel | January 27, 2011 at 12:57 PM
Linda,
This is why I love you and your artwork -for staying true and being so brutally real and honest.
I hope you have the best damn party yet. We should all send you presents. Eat lots of cake.
Posted by: kelly | January 27, 2011 at 09:49 PM
Thank you, everyone!
Posted by: Linda Woods | January 28, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Thanks for sharing some of your most personal thoughts and feelings. Certainly most people will relate to your story on some level. Reading your narrative immediately brought a song to mind.
"I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east
Any day now, any day now
I shall be released".
- Bob Dylan, I Shall Be Released
Let your light shine!
Posted by: Donna | January 28, 2011 at 12:51 PM
I almost sent you a card when I heard the news, but I didn't know what state you were in and it's been a long time since we talked.
I'll say it now because I know this feeling intimately. Congratulations on your freedom.
Posted by: Jane | January 28, 2011 at 06:25 PM
I remember I first contacted you when you wrote so movingly and truthfully when your father died. Now your mother is gone. Each year you will see clearer, feel more free and it will be easier for you to look back at this as history...your history. I know because I have been there, too. Wishing you all the best!!! Karen B. (remember I sent you that handbag like one-million years ago???)
Posted by: karen baldwin | January 30, 2011 at 09:57 PM
I hope you party like it's 1999 and eat all the cake you can eat!! Your post was really touching and your honesty is so refreshing. I think of you guys alot when I journal because I like to journal the good, the bad and the ugly because that's what life is all about. Thanks for sharing and for always keeping it real, I love coming here!!
Posted by: Glenda Tkalac | January 31, 2011 at 02:38 PM
This quote just came straight to my mind.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin
I too, publicly, spoke true feelings after four decades. It took a lot of courage and I have never regretted it. My life started again, and I hope yours does too. xxx
Posted by: Dyan Reaveley | February 03, 2011 at 10:32 AM
My goodness.... such a relief... I wish I could come to that wonderful party! What kind of cake?? Lots of love to you both Mxx
Posted by: Martina Tierney | February 04, 2011 at 01:41 AM