there's a reason, dear

My husband has a bad case of food poisoning courtesy of a meal from Red Robin. He does get injured often but he's rarely sick. He doesn't seem to  ever get headaches or stomach aches, so when he is sick, he is really sick. A few years into our marriage, I woke one night to the horrid sight and sounds of him barfing into our bathtub. Not the toilet which was next to the bathtub, but in to the bathtub. It took a lot of bleach before I could ever set foot into that shower tub combo again. Who in the hell throws up into a bathtub intentionally? My husband, of course.  Being the loving wife that I am, I demanded to know what he was doing to my tub. He said he doesn't throw up in toilets. People go to the bathroom there. My husband is prissy about where he barfs. I am prissy about where I take a shower and where I do my dishes, so when he gets sick, I run to protect my showers and sinks.
Today while I was preparing drinks with straws and a cool cloth for Dustin's head, I was remembering the first time I got food poisoning. Perhaps I had it before that time, but this was the one I really remember. And I can't remember it without laughing until I cry. It was the summer of 1986  and boy was it hot. Karen and I were living in a one room apartment in Venice Beach and we had no air-conditioning. We had one bathroom. Our brother, Tod, was staying with us. Karen and I shared a double bed that was pushed up next to a wall. I slept on the wall side. Tod slept on a small couch. Like many other days that summer, we all bought  a ticket to see a movie and just stayed in the air-conditioned theater eating popcorn and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups all day. We saw a lot of movies in one day,many times. That day, Tod and I shared a packet of peanut butter cups and Karen had the popcorn. We went home when the sun went down and we went to bed. Hours later, I woke in a sweat with the worst stomach pains ever. I thought I was dying wedged between Karen and the wall. I was in too much pain to toss and turn and was afraid if I did either of those things I might explode in the bed. I laid there still. Sweating. And then I heard the sounds I'll never forget. Oh my God. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my God. Oh Shit. It didn't sound like my voice but those were my thoughts. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my GOD!!!!! Make way!
Tod was moaning on the coach, tossing and turning like a sky on a stormy night. He bolted from the couch, tripped over his shoes, and started undressing on his way to the single toilet in our apartment. The toilet I really needed to use, if only I could toss myself over Karen. If only I could beat him to the bathroom. If only I could move. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my GOD! Oh shit. He slammed the bathroom door. Oh shit. Oh shit. I am dying! Oh shit.
 My hands were clutching my own stomach as Tod's chant continued. I did not dare look at Karen (who was un-poisoned)  because I could not laugh hysterically while trying not to ruin the bed. Being the loving sister that I am, I demanded he hurry up because someone else needed to use the toilet, too.
Oh shit. Oh shit. I think those peanut butter cups were bad.
I have no idea how I made it out of the bed, but I did just as Tod was exiting. I'd never been so happy to see a toilet with a working flusher in my life.
There's a reason we barf in toilets, Dear.

Comments

[Pamela Detlor]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'm in tears here! We've all got the poison food horror stories - but it's always funnier when it happened to someone else.

I do hope Dustin is feeling better and using the toilet to heave.

[Tod Goldberg]

Oddly, that peanut butter cup experience is the one time I've eaten something that has made me violently ill without future ramifications, mental or otherwise, which is to say I still eat Reese's cups on a regular basis. I got paralyzingly sick from a Whopper once and I've had maybe three in the subsequent 15 years and each time it's been either a Whopper or I don't eat for another 300 miles or six hours. And I've not eaten anything from Chuy's in at least a decade after that place made me sick.

But, yeah, thanks for posting this. Thank you very much.

[rachel whetzel]

Sorry to all who were sick in this post, but I'm laughing my ass off right now.

[Karen Dinino]

Tod, God love him, does not do anything quietly--least of all, suffer. Having witnessed this horror, I eat only popcorn in theaters.

[CarrieJ]

I can totally hear Tod OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH GOD! (and I am DYING)