JOURNAL REVOLUTION

i can relate to that

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~Dove dark chocolate
~Gran Torino. It was way better than we thought it would be.
~Karen has once again been referred to a specialist who is the father of a famous person. Last time it was Lisa Kudrow's dad. This time, Monica Lewinsky's dad. That was a funny twist we didn't expect!
~Not being stuck in reverse!
~Bobbi Brown Vanilla eyeshadow stick
~LOST!!!!!
~That new show Will & Ed has promise. It started a bit slow but I will keep watching. I like shows where the characters have iPhones and nap all day. I can relate to that.
~Everyone secretly likes Womanizer. Why is everyone so embarrassed to admit it? We LOVE it!
~Taylor Swift. She's a nice, genuine, humble, FUNNY person. On the day one of her dreams came true, she spent time to make Karen's daughter's dream come true. We'd show you pictures from the magic day but we have to keep the secret.

Our Bêtes Noires:
~These heart shaped sugar cookies from Lofthouse are gross and taste like Playdoh. Play it safe and stick with those fluffy round ones with the frosting and sprinkles.
~I didn't really love Slumdog Millionaire as much as the rest of the world did. I mean it was good, I just didn't love it. But, we also didn't love that I once had a farm in Africuuuuuuuh movie so Slumdog will probably win many Oscars.
~Stupid Sirius radio will start charging for internet radio in March. WTF? Am I supposed to spend all day and night in my car to listen? They shouldn't be charging people more during this troubled economy.
~The Bobbi Brown eye shadow stick doesn't come in other colors.
~People can't keep secrets.
~In an effort to save money, I canceled our pest control service and now I am afraid the pest control guy will put ants and termites in my yard.  I think I watched too much King of The Hill.

something gross

Today I have an appointment with a doctor I like and who isn't a dumb ass. I've been going to her for years to treat my thyroid problem and lucky for me I have the appointment right now because in the last week, something really gross has started happening to my fingernails on my left hand. This is the same arm as the botched blood test. I've shown everyone my nails to get their opinion and last night I posted a photo on flickr so the internet could be grossed out, too! Look at your own risk. I've been getting lots of opinions on what it could be. I'll be interested to see what the doctor says. I'll also be interested to see what weird thing is going to happen on the freeway,  in the parking lot, in the elevator, and at the pharmacy. I'm sure there will be a story.

UPDATE: It's not fungus! I am not moldy! YAY! My nail problem is due to vitamin deficiency and thyroid issues. Whew. I was totally looking into finger transplants.

how we are happy

Something really weird happened to us yesterday. We drove to and from Anaheim and didn't have a flat tire, get rear ended, or have a dead battery. We also got our badges and into the convention with no problems at all. That's so unusual that I thought for sure we were not us. One odd thing did happen that made it hard for us not to DIE A HORRIBLE death from laughter.
When I wrote that post about THE CANCER and how people kept telling us horror stories about people they know dying horrible deaths from melanoma, I thought that would send a message to the world that we weren't really in the horror story market. What really happened was that people kept emailing me MORE horror stories and then emails asking me how  could we be so happy with such devastating news. Mutual friends of ours were clearly devastated and could not speak to me without crying and when I wasn't crying they assured me I would. Uhhh, ok. I was never sure what they were devastated about or why they seemed so annoyed with me for being happy. Karen and I tried to figure out what was so devastating (the word everyone was using) but we couldn't and we've spent every day since trying to remember devastating events from our lives that would've made us cry all day. We decided the only thing that was really devastating was sudden death of a loved one-oh- and one time a really dear friend got sent to the pokey unexpectedly.   There were things from childhood that were bad but we limited our devastation to the last 15 years. Even still, there were funny things that happened at funerals and my friend got out of the pokey so that ended ok. All the bad things that happened always had funny things, too, and we've survived everything that has ever happened. It's all in how you look at it.
So now throughout the day we ask each other if we are devastated or crying and we think we're really funny when we do it.
As we booth hopped at CHA we'd bump into people who know us (from our books) and pretty much without fail, this is the conversation that happened:
Serious  Person: Hi! I am so excited to meet you!
Linda: Hi, I am Linda and this is Karen
Karen: Hello, I...
Serious  Person: I know someone who had breast cancer. It was AWFUL! It spread to her knees and then she had to get her legs amputated and then she got skin cancer and then she was horribly disfigured and then she died a painful death. It was great to meet you, I love your books! Linda, you should check out these AMAZING crochet hooks I found, you'd LOVE them. Totally your style. Go to booth ...
Linda: My style? I don't crochet.
Karen:
Serious Person: The best hooks EVER! Bye!

First, I don't get why people who love our books think I crochet. That's freaky. It wasn't just one person. A lot of people wanted me to look at hooks. Second, why are  people telling Karen of horrific cancer deaths? What the fuck?  What is going on? People used to come up to us and tell us great places to get cupcakes or chocolate and now they are telling us stories of amputation and death. As funny as we found it, this has got to stop. Or if you are going to tell us a death story, soften it by handing us treats.
I'm mostly happy that only a few people at CHA read my twitter or facebook about the weird thing going on with my fingers because I am not sure I could've handled stories about finger accidents, too. I can only contain my laughter for so long. It's even harder with the MO FO Flipper in.

We had a great day at CHA and were so happy to see old friends and make new ones.
Oh, and we met the happy hooker and her too beautiful for words daughter, finally! More on THAT later. The no flat tires- horror death stories were an interesting trade off. Stories of death are way better than actually BEING dead.

*photo: Karen, Kathy Cano-Murillo (Crafty Chica!), Linda

A Sweet Memory and 2:00 on Sunday at CHA!

Karen and I will be making funny memories at CHA on SUNDAY at 2:00 at the Barnes & Noble booth/store. Stop by and say hello! We would love to see you. Last year, the B&N booth/store was in the lobby section right near a spot where a churro cart would've been great but there was no churro cart. Maybe this year! B&N will have both of our books available for purchase and we'd be happy to sign them for you. We'd also be happy just to meet you so don't feel  like you can't come say hi because you don't want to buy anything. Just come on over!  We can't call it an official book signing (blaming mercury!) but it's an unofficial book signing that the fine folks at B&N are happy to help us with. We will be at the B&N booth from 2:00-2:30ish.
When we aren't at the B&N booth, we'll be wandering around looking at all the stuff, tripping over the wheeled bags people just leave in the aisles unattended. Oh, and we'll also be getting in trouble for taking photos when we aren't supposed to. We can't wait! We'll have some buttons to give away, too.

Sweet Memory is one of the new prints available in my etsy shop.

cha cha cha

This weekend Karen and I are really going to test mercury in retrograde by driving together in a car! I'm already checking OCD style to be sure I know where my AAA card is at all times in anticipation of our time together. This Sunday (and sunday only) we will be attending the CHA show. We're supposed to do a book signing on Sunday but I don't have the details yet. We want to be sure we get to see everyone! If you are going to be at CHA on sunday at a booth, doing a demo, or hanging out at a pretzel cart at a certain time, please comment here and let us know where so we can find you. If you have posted your schedule on a blog give us the link to it. We're making a list to take with us so we'll be organized!
We will post the info for our signing as soon as we know it. Otherwise, we'll just be stalking Sarah Hodsdon so look for her. We'll be close behind.

dealing with something: part 1

As is always the case with us, when one of us is dealing with something, the other one must deal with it, too. That is the deal that goes along with being sisters who love each other. And when I say something, I mean not just the big things like illness or death but also  things like constant flat tires, attracting energy vampires and the little symptoms that go with important life lessons. Oh and like the time Karen became obsessed with the stories of Lewis & Clark so I had to learn about them, too. And by illness and death, I also mean happiness, celebration and chocolate treats because the things we share are most often not rooted in sadness.
When Karen got the stupid lump that ended up being the totally fucking stupid lump, I knew it also meant I was in for my life being disrupted by dumb asses who work for insurance companies and nurses who can't find veins. See it turns out that we Chosen people* are so special that many of us get the mo fo genes that give you higher odds of getting breast and ovarian cancer. We also get the genes that make us witty so it must be a trade off. Due to details that are too boring (and frightening!) to mention, because Karen had to get the genetic tests, I have to, too.
When I went to my general doctor (at a well known medical center) who I have only seen once before to discuss this pressing matter, she immediately stressed how urgent it is for me to get a mammogram, PAP smear, and the genetic test right away. And then in a move so shocking that for a second I thought I was being Punk'd, she refused to give me a referral to a gynecologist. I said I'd feel better going to a gynecologist for a breast exam and a PAP smear and she said NO. She told me just to come back in two weeks and she'd do it as part of a general physical. Again, I said I prefer to go to a gynecologist. Again, she said NO. I pointed out to her that since I see an endocrinologist to treat my thyroid disease and a rhuematologist to treat my arthritis, it makes  sense that I'd want to be referred to a gynecologist for issues related to my ovaries. Again, I got a big fat NO. I want the referral because having the referral will save me lots of money. I suspect she doesn't want to give  me the referral because it means she'd lose lots of money. How about listening to your patient, doc?
While I was at the doctor's appointment where the doctor ignored me, I needed to have some blood tests that my endocrinologist ordered. I handed the blood test prescription to the doctor who told me I need not show her the tests I am having and just get a nurse to do them. WHAT? The doctor so concerned with my health that she insists on doing all my tests herself (even though she is not a gynecologist) has no interest in the blood tests ordered by my other doctors? She sent me back to the lobby to wait in line for the blood test nurse. I sat down to wait another 45 minutes and was texting Karen all about the hell I was in when a nurse called me.
Nurse: Linda?
Me: Yes
Nurse: Linda W-W how do you pronounce your last name?
Me:
Nurse: How do you pronounce your last name?
Me: Are you serious?
Nurse: Yes
Me: How is it spelled on the paper?
Nurse: W-O-O-D-S
Me: Am I on Candid Camera
Nurse: Huh?
Me: Woods

This is not a good sign. I know there is one nurse here who can find a vein but I don't see her. I tell this nurse it's very hard to find my vein and that I will faint  if she doesn't get it on the first try so if she doesn't think she can do it, tell me and I will come back later. She says she can do it. After the name thing, I had my doubts. She ties the elastic thing around my arm so not tight enough that I tell her it isn't tight enough. She says, no it is fine. I say it isn't, she says it is. Just fucking kill me now. She jabs me in my arm with a giant needle and misses my vein. She moves the needle around in my arm for what feels like three minutes and still can't find a vein. I tell her to take it out now because I am going to pass out. She says whatever and gets up in a huff saying she'll try to find someone more experienced.
Oh Holy Mother of Buddha.
I think I should just give myself that PAP smear**.

*Ashkenazi Jews.
** Don't worry, I will go to a real gynecologist even if I have to pay for it.

a friend of a friend

My train has been stopped at the intersection of Annoyed and Irritable for a few days now. I can't tell if Mercury in Retrograde is making people and situations worse than normal or if people and situations really are worse than normal. The sun is out here in So Cal so the view from my seat on the train is lovely. It's hard to be seriously annoyed for too long on such a pretty day.
I keep having conversations with friends who don't have blogs and who don't read this blog. It doesn't bother me that they don't read this blog but it does bother me that these friends (who don't know each other) all do this one really annoying thing. They'll be telling me a story about a friend or co-worker and then mid-story will stop and sternly say, DO NOT BLOG THIS! as if I have ever blogged a boring story about a friend of a friend. And it's never during a juicy story that they say this. It's always during a story that isn't even worth typing (not that I would). So of course because I am me I respond with, why the fuck would I blog about that? instead of just saying ok and then I never end up hearing the end of the story because we get off track. I hate not hearing the end of stories, even when they are boring stories I would never blog about. Now I am dying to know if that co-worker of the friend of a friend of mine is still dating that guy who used to be in the mob but is now in the witness protection program and is working at the Starbucks on Ventura Boulevard in Sherman Oaks.

declaration of decision

Mercury is in Retrograde again. I decided that Life is going to be full of really great things for the next three weeks instead of total crap. Every once in a while a period of MIR happens where everything is good. I hope this is one of those times. Really, there is no need to hope for it, I DECIDED it will be so.
I recently decided to change the way I respond to certain types of people. I decided to make the change once and for all because I thought it would make for some funny stories but also because I am sick of Energy Vampires. Oh, and I had to because I declared that I was to my sister and once a declaration of decision has been made, you've got to follow through.
In our family we have what is known as Pulling A Dustin. My husband is very good at avoiding people, especially on airplanes. He never takes his sunglasses off, he always has something he is pretending to read, and he doesn't smile. It's funny if you know him because he's the nicest guy ever. The only people he ever attracts are celebrities (seriously). On the other hand, I attract everyone. I especially attract people who want me to talk to them but don't listen to what I say. That is annoying.  The other night I was at the grocery store and had filled my cart with the necessary items: pasta, butter, parsley, parmesan cheese, ice cream, things with wings, and diet root beer. I was standing with my cart looking at magazines when the grocery store guy who works in the  produce section  walks up to me looks  in my cart and says (as he taps the bag of noodles),  You do not have any produce in your cart.  You need fruit and vegetables. Under the old circumstances, I would've made a joke about how brave he was to say something like that to a woman who has things with wings in her cart but that might have encouraged more conversation and would've also led to that guy leading me to the produce section to buy stuff I would never eat. Instead, I honored my declaration and pulled a Dustin. In a grocery store in the dark of night, I grabbed a magazine and put my sunglasses on.
It worked.

that much taller

This photo of me and our leetle brother hangs above my desk and it always cracks me up. I love that our Nana's finger is in the photo (it was in many of the photos she took with her Instamatic) and I love that the brief moment in time when I was taller than our leetle brother was captured on film. I mean I wasn't that much taller but I was taller. We were standing in the spot where Nana always posed us when she wanted to take our photo. Behind Tod was a mixed- flower bed and to my left was the best smelling mint garden ever. I have mint in my own garden now to remind me of it.  Along that long pink wall behind us was really gross rhubarb that Nana made pies with. Everyone loved her rhubarb pie, but to us it was just bitter red celery. It was pretty next to the pink fence, though. We loved our summers at our Nana's pink house. And we loved being together. I always remember hearing Nana lovingly tell her friends how we'd play together and whatever I'd do, Tod would do. I remember hearing  Nana telling this story about a thousand times.  She came into the room and we were both crying. She asked him why he was crying and he said because Linda's crying!
I'm still as tall as I was in this photo and I still wear jackets when everyone else is wearing short sleeve t-shirts. And, Tod still does whatever I do. Ok, only some of the stuff and he swears slightly more and makes way more people angry.  One thing all of us seesters and brothers still do is get older.  In a few hours Tod will turn 38. I had a great idea for a really funny gift to send him but since I am about to turn 40 in a couple months, I keep forgetting to get it. Tod is currently freezing his tushy off  in Vermont but I don't think that should prevent me and Karen from having cake and making wishes. Why should we suffer just  because he is? That may have worked when we were kids but not anymore. Tod not being here on his birthday should not prevent anyone from having cake and making wishes!  We hereby declare January 10th CAKE AND WISHES FOR ALL DAY- even if our leetle brother is not here to here to have cake with us.
I can't decide what kind of cake to have but I totally know what I am wishing for.

full of goodness

In November when everyone (and every thing) around us (including us) started breaking, I decided there was really just no way I would be able to get Hanukkah and Christmas cards all out on time and still spend lots of time trying to dull the pain that came with my stupid MO FO tooth drama. Practicing Ss and Ts  with the MO FO flipper in is still as time consuming now as it was then, only I have grown tired of it and have just stopped talking altogether. One night while saying the alphabet,  I thought it would be a good idea to design three different cards to send  people that I could space out between the beginning and end of December. Depending on what holiday people celebrated or where they were in my address book, they all got different cards. Most people ended up getting the Wishing You A New Year Full Of Goodness  card because I was just really late. And it was my favorite one.
I am all out of the cards now but I do have prints of  GOODNESS in my etsy shop.

I don't actually recommend the making of 3 different cards during the busiest month of life. I may have also been on Vicodin at that time. That was way too much of an over-achiever moment to have been the real me planning.