JOURNAL REVOLUTION

the bathrobe backwards

Things are a bit of a mess here on the blog because I am in the process of  redesigning it and since I have bad luck, I thought it best not to start deleting stuff on the sides until I am sure I have everything where I want it. Normally this might not take me more than a day or two but since my husband is home this week everything takes longer because he has this weird thing where he likes to have lunch and dinner. I like those things too but to me lunch is something I can have while standing at my sink counting the balls in my yard.

Did anyone get that blanket with the sleeves in it for Christmas or Hanukkah? All the ads for it (and variations of it) said it is the perfect gift for anyone and I want to know if that's true. Couldn't you just put your bathrobe on backwards instead? The bathrobe backwards might have less trip factor when you run to the bathroom during commercials.

The stupid lump

Karen is home from the hospital after her surgery. Of course because she is Karen, they got a flat tire on the way home.  She wasn't drugged up enough  not to be annoyed by the flat tire but she was drugged up enough for most of the bad parts of what happened at the hospital. She doesn't think any of her neighbors were in the operating room.
She's packed in ice and popping pills. There won't be any biopsy results for about a week so there's not much else to report on the lump front. Unfortunately it isn't like on ER when you have surgery then 4 seconds later you get the results.
Thanks to everyone who emailed and sent good vibes!

my big plan (again)

I have big plans to get stuff done over the next few days. The first night of My Big Plan started last night but it got held up when I accidentally spent 6 hours switching between HGTV and  The Real Housewives of OC marathon. Those wives are nuts and all the kids are like so whiny and like so dumb.  There's not one wife I'd want to be friends with but I couldn't stop watching it.
I had control of the remote last night because my husband is out of town for a few days (unless you are a robber or murderer in which case he is home and we have a really good alarm system). I had a brownie for dinner while I watched tv. It was great. Of course I miss my husband but it's also fun to be the boss of the big tv once in a while (usually there's a game on!). It's also fun to eat cookies for dinner or not have dinner. I've decided that while he's away I want to try to do some stuff I have been meaning to do that I haven't had a chance to because he's home or I haven't been home or when I am home, I am just too busy. I was discussing my list with a few friends recently and my friends who are not married or who don't live with a man  totally didn't get why I couldn't do some of these things while my husband is home.

1. Make a new playlist of songs to listen to when I am on the treadmill.
2. Try on all the clothes in my closet and toss what is out of style or doesn't fit
3. Rearrange all the art in the house and update framed photos with more recent photos
4. Dye the curtains dark purple
5. Recover the cushions on our dining room table chairs
6. Watch all the unwatched shows taking up space on our tivo
7. Clean out the pantry
8. Try doing my eye shadow differently then take pics- email them to Karen and see what she thinks
9. Make a spinach kugel and not share it with anyone
10. Sleep until noon
11. Finish the Why is our hair all staticy? experiment
12. Read all the magazines I haven't read yet
13. Find out who Madoff is and what he did so I don't seem like a clueless moron. Though, I have the gist of what he did because I read an article in the LA times this week and I keep hearing the word Ponzi.
14. Clean out my files (paper and on my hard drives)
15. Proof 4 memory cards full of photos

I'll probably get about 4 things on the list done. I am hoping one of those is #10.  I suspect that my hunt for the fabric dye will take up way too much time tomorrow morning- precious time that will cut into my eyeshadow experimentation. I've only got two days and it's a long list!
What would you do with two days alone at home?

*If you are using Typepad and if you are annoyed beyond belief (as I am) with their new platform, TELL THEM. Fill out a Help Ticket. Blogging has never been so slow and irritating. I could do an entire post about all the issues I am having but I'd have to copy and paste it real fast before my browser freezes or my backspace button goes berserk.

no jealous cards

The table in the entry way of my house is covered with holiday cards sent from friends and relatives. Every time I open the front door, a curious burst of wind comes and blows the cards all over the place and I get to set the cards out all over again. Each cards gets a turn being propped up! No jealous cards in my house!

Thanks to everyone who emailed about Karen's lump that she didn't know she had until she went for a mammogram just in case she had any lumps she didn't know she had. The doctor found two areas of concern and was able to biopsy one thing. The results of the first biopsy came back with no malignancy but some stuff that is long and complicated but that is probably of not too much concern but should be watched. She is having a lumpectomy on the other thing on Monday. Hopefully we will have the results of what that thing is not too long after that. The good news about the lumpectomy is that Karen will be knocked out for it and there will be plenty of drugs for her. Karen loves drugs. And, our feeling is it's best to get whatever bad thing it might be OUT. Out damn spot!
We also appreciate everyone who emailed to tell me I must rush to get a mammogram because Karen has lumps. I heard you loud and clear and don't you worry one second! I will get one because it has long been the case that whatever Karen gets, I get and likewise. Did we fail to mention that years before my disastrous candy corn tooth incident Karen broke the same tooth and had to get an implant, too? What are the odds of that? Hers broke in a play sword fight with her son and not on a candy corn, but it's still freaky.
And speaking of freaky,  when I went to a follow up appointment with the dental surgeon a couple weeks ago, there was a nurse in the room who seemed oddly familiar but I wasn't sure how I knew her. I almost hesitate to tell this story because now she has all my details. Anyway, she looked at me kind of weird and said, I know you. You're the artist and my son plays in your yard.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn't want to open my mouth after that. This single mom and her young son live next door in the sad green house I refer to as Boo Radley's. Her son often plays  in my front yard and I never say anything about it yet always wondered why his mother doesn't just have him play in their front yard. My front yard does have a really good tree for hiding behind, but still. He never leaves balls in my yard and seems like a good kid and I always feel sorry for him because his single mom rents a room in the sad house. I feel less sorry for them now that I know she is a nurse in this ultra expensive surgeon's office where all the workers seem very happy.
So, which neighbor of Karen's will be seeing her naked on Monday?

the miracle of light

Hanukkah got underway last night and we did what all good Jews do. We took silly photos and ate Chinese food. Both activities were  preceded with and followed by cookie eating, laughter, and discussion of every family member who was not currently in the room.
This year, Karen is our holiday madness mascot.

Happy Hanukkah!

winter blooms

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~Karen finally got an iPhone! No more Treo crashes! No more dropped calls! No more misery! Hello iLIFE!
~The new flowers my gardener planted bloomed and did not die in the freezing temps this week. I love these pretty flowers. Does anyone know what they are?
~My gardener told me tonight that he's not going to come next week because he wants to take the week off. He laughed and said he wants to try spending a day in bed watching tv to see how that is. Buddy, I totally get ya. In honor of Ignacio, I think we should all do that one day next week.
~Friends who laugh with us even when others think we should be crying.
~My husband's cancer shoulder surgery was a success! No more bad cells.  But still, that shoulder will now always be called Cancer Shoulder and I will forever have a bottle of SPF 5000 Anti-Melanoma sunscreen with me. I think I might need a bigger purse.
~Karen's son turned 12 today and got a surprise one-day job on a big TV show! When it is on, we'll tell you.
~Being less busty finally paid off for Karen! She's not a candidate for the biopsy that squishes the bejesus* out of you  and gets to have the surgery that requires drugs. We don't have more info yet on when that will be  and will post info when we know it. If that damn doctor had called back, we could tell you the answers! We appreciate all the emails and I regret that I haven't had a chance to respond to each one. THANK YOU!

Our Bêtes Noires:
~My husband has to go get cancer shoulder restitched tomorrow morning before the family gathering because his incision is totally gross and not healing at all.
~I do not like Karen's doctor. He never called today with the results of her biopsy so now we must wait until Monday. He should make it up to us by giving out many refills on whatever drugs we want.
~Everyone hating Nancy Grace. We love her. If she had a show on the Food Network, based on appearance and accent, I'd say she makes a damn fine pecan pie.  If your kid or grandkid gets kidnapped or murdered, you wouldn't want to get your case on her show?! I would. She always says exactly what we're thinking, even when she is interrupting the guests. I especially LOVE it when she has Mark Klaas on. If you hate Nancy Grace, go read our friend Jane Devin's blog. 
~The menu created by the couple who tried living on $1 per person per day for food for a month.  I think it was a very cool experiment but having lived as poor people and poor college students I think they don't really get what it is like to be poor. The veal substitute made me gag. They had a rule that they wouldn't accept free food unless it was available to all as in everyone on the planet (I could be wrong but I think that is what it was). LAME. When we were in college and surviving on loose change, we always accepted invites to parties where there would be food so we wouldn't have to buy food. Isn't that what people do when they have no extra money? These people avoided catered meetings. And when students baked them cookies, they didn't accept them. WTF?  Also, this couple is vegan. It's hard to eat cheap when you are vegan. Most people are not vegan so I don't know how realistic their plan was.  And, based on their rules, I think this couple just likes weird rules.  Karen and I could live on $1 per day easily because we are weirdos who have no problem eating 99 cent noodles with parmesan cheese all day long, every day. I may have to devote an entire post to this topic.
~The new typepad. Still too slow.

*The other day on twitter, Karen asked:
Mammography lady says this biopsy will 'squeeze the bejesus outta you.' What if I haven't got Jesus? Will Woody Allen pop out? Streisand?

What do you think? What pops out? I'm thinking the Jazz Singer might pop out singing Holly Holy!

oy vey

People who have a wife/husband/partner/assistant who does everything for them have absolutely NO IDEA how long it takes to do ANYTHING. And the doing of anything takes 7 times as long during the 2 weeks before Christmas when there are lines in places there aren't normally lines.
And why is everyone moaning about all the Christmas shopping and festivities? Christmas is one day. People, Hanukkah starts next week and lasts 8 nights. Imagine if Christmas lasted 8 nights. You want that much stress? 8 nights of gifts. 8 nights of fancy dinner. 8 nights spent with crazy relatives. You guys have it easy.

they gayest hotel

Last week I spent a few days doing photography for this campaign at the gayest hotel ever, the Parker Resort in Palm Springs. While there were many gay guests at the hotel, I mean gayest as in it was clearly designed by a gay man (Jonathan Adler. He is gay, right?). It was fabulous! The entire two days I was there, I kept expecting the Fab 5 to be there.  At the entrance to the hotel there are two giant orange doors decorated with hot pink boa wreaths and two pretty men to park your car and get your luggage to your room for you. SO GAY. SO WONDERFUL. The lobby is decorated in a combination of cool pottery, art books and thrift store finds. I LOVED it even though it was slightly too 1970's but not in a bad way, just a night club way. In between the rooms and the lobby is a photographers dream garden complete with a cute croquet garden, giant chess set, giant hammocks under shady palm trees, colorful bikes everywhere, and private garden settings with furniture with cute cushions near fountains that make you want to pee. If you're a man, the fountains will also make you think of your penis because the fountains were another clue that this place had a man's hands all over it. The fountain spouts were all single pipes that shot straight from a circular base. Hmmmm. Very phallic.  The gardens were perfectly manicured and no detail was over looked. Each chaise lounge by the pool had a towel on it perfectly lined up with the one next to it and there were bottles of tanning lotion on tables between each chaise. If you moved the corner of one towel, a hotel worker with OCD immediately came out and straightened it for you then offered to spray you with more lotion. NICE.
All this attention to detail continued to the guest suites. Each room featured cool black and white photos of quirky  celebrities in the bathrooms. In my room, Michael and Janet Jackson graced my wall (when Michael was still black) above the toilet. That was funny. The bathroom was stocked with the finest toiletries that smelled wonderful! No cheapo mini-bottles of generic soap here. My favorite thing was the Molton Brown Enlivening Toko-Yuzu shower gel. Gay men so know how to pick the best-smelling goods. But, they really have no idea about lighting. The bathroom LOOKED cool but it was really bad for make-up application and the area where the shower was was so dark that I didn't even notice that the shower towels were nowhere near the shower. The towels were displayed pyramid style on a chair outside the bathroom. WTF? Was I supposed to get out of the shower soaking wet and slip and slide across the room to get a towel? What a dumb idea. I do not like being naked for 2 seconds longer than necessary. I want my towel hanging right near the shower, please.
  My room was nice but so obviously decorated  by a  graceful  MAN. The bed was made of steel  with thick legs. SO PHALLIC.  I am not a  graceful man, so pretty quickly got my foot stuck on the bed of doom and quickly I hated it.  Why would a metal bed ever be a good idea? Nothing screams I AM LITTLE more than a giant metal bed with thick legs. Men, do yourselves a favor and don't buy this bed to impress the ladies. It might work on men, though. Also on the bed were those feather pillows that look really fluffy but as soon as your head hits it they go totally flat so you have to stack 4 on top of each other to make one semi-comfy pillow. It's hard to do that when you need all the pillows to prop up your foot with the broken toes thanks to the bed frame.
Despite the little incident with my toes and the bed, I loved this hotel. If you are a klutz like me and are staying at the Parker, wear shoes in your room. If you are enrolled in a low-residency MFA program, I can't imagine a better  place to stay for 2 weeks. The gardens are gorgeous and so serene~ a great place to be writing and creating.

winners!

Thanks so much to everyone who shared their lunch and most embarrassing stories with us. I think I'll ask that question again sometime because it's good to know we aren't the only ones who spend a good part of our lives cringing!
Because I was running late and because his story was so prize worthy, Bobby C and his bag of poop win the honorary prize. Bobby, please select a print from my shop and it shall be yours!
Winners selected at random are:
1. Jen K and your spinach pizza: You win your choice of Visual Chronicles or Journal Revolution.
2. Karina and your jerk burrito: You win your choice of any print in my etsy shop.
3. Paige and your split pea soup and split down the seams of your pants: You also win your choice of any print from my etsy shop.
Winners, please email me your info. to collect your prizes.

Karen and I had almost the same thing for lunch yesterday- TJ's coconut macaroons. She was a little healthier than I was and added a slice of swiss cheese. I am still on the soft food diet which you'd think would be a really good diet but I have not lost one single mo fo pound since the beginning of the tooth ordeal. Apparently there are a lot of calories in mashed potatoes, yogurt, and vicodin. One good thing has happened as a result of  the tooth thing and that is I've been trying drinks I wouldn't normally try because I can't eat with the MO FO FLIPPER in. A few days ago I had the best lemonade of my life. It was a $6 lemonade! A six dollar lemonade does taste better than a two dollar lemonade. I do not like sour things at all and this lemonade was  very sweet yet totally refreshing and light. If you want to try it, I got it at the Parker Resort in Palm Springs- the gayest hotel ever. I'll be writing about that soon.

right now

I have no idea how friday morning turned into late friday night without me even noticing! Contest winners will be announced tomorrow. I am writing your names on little pieces of paper right now!  Because I am late I'll give a prize to a 4th person.