This month I will turn forty-one years old. I am pretty sure that Karen
could not be happier about it. I think on the eve of my 41st birthday
she will throw herself a party for one in honor of a phrase she will
never have to hear again. I could not wait to turn forty because I
could not wait to use it as the end of my favorite sentence. No, I am
not doing that-- I am forty.
Last year at this time we posted our Company Policy and have done a
really good job of following our own rules. It's really hard not to
follow a policy you create for yourself as soon as you realize exactly
what is going on. There were many times when we'd ask each other which
policy number we would violate by engaging in certain situations. When
we'd get done laughing at ourselves, we'd ignore the jealous bitches,
not hire the bored people, or not do the thing we didn't really want to
do..because I was forty. And she was forty-five. When you're forty (and
forty-five) and you're comfortable in your forty -year- old skin, and
you're aware of what is going on, saying no is good and empowering.
Sometimes I said yes because I am forty,and sometimes I said nothing
because I was forty, and more often than not I said I get to do this
now because I am forty. And as forty-one nears I wonder when things
will get easier already, I am fucking forty! Forty, forty, forty.
After a year of being an age so many women dread, I don't really get
what is so upsetting about it. Well, unless you're Karen and I am your
sister and you had to hear because I am forty! every day. I could see
that making forty a year to dread.
*Go Wander Fly prints are available in my shop. They were created when I WAS FORTY.
Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about: ~I have new prints and art on canvas in my shop.
~My husband got the go ahead from Dr. Adorable that it is safe to
return to the gym for light exercise (not upper body, though). He is
very happy. In a month, strength training physical therapy may begin!
Only five more months to go!
~No more wet cat food on the menu and Suki still loves me. Why can't they make wet cat food smell better? Gag city.
~Quaker mini-delights caramel drizzle cardboard--er--multigrain cakes. Somehow, these awful things are really good.
~Throwdown with Bobby Flay and his two assistants who hate him.
~My intuition hasn't been letting me down.
Our Bêtes Noires:
~The entire season of Big Love was LAME. It was trying to be Dallas
mixed with Coal Miner's Daughter mixed with Little House On The Prairie
mixed with Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.
~Lost is too boring to comment on.
~In an effort to save money we are switching our cable and internet
companies which is causing me sleepless nights. We've had the same
internet company for ten years and rarely ever have problems. I'm
imagining the worst scenarios ever- slow downloads, slow uploads,
outages, and no cable while my husband is home. I'll be stomping around
the house unable to work and screaming I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN RELIABLE INTERNET SERVICE AND MY THYROID MEDICATION!
~Cinnabon is having an identity crisis. WHAT is with that lame slogan:
"life needs frosting"?? It's a CINNAMON ROLL place, not a frosting
store, not even a cake store. Apparently some other exasperated grammar
freak told them that, because now they are selling cupcakes, to justify
their slogan. The cupcakes are small, and look unappealing. Maybe that
is because they are a CINNAMON ROLL place, and they ought to stick to
what they do better than anyone. And lose the tiffany-blue box. We
don't need jewels: Life Needs Spice, and Cinnabon used to have it.
~No earphone or earbud EVER fits in my ear. I will crash trying to get
the motherfucker in my ear. <----- that was Karen and I didn't edit
it just to prove I am not the only one who swears. Send your hate mail
to her.
~What is with the host of Shear Genius? Why couldn't they get one who
can SPEAK? I can't believe Jonathan Antin isn't borderline pissed off
by her inability to enunciate.
Ever since I declared that we were celebrating being alive and being
alive and being alive, things have been trying to kill me. First, I was
on a 3 lane road in the far left lane behind a crazy truck driver. The truck
slowed down, signaled left, then turned a wide RIGHT into the two lanes
next to me where cars were also thinking he was going left. After all
the screeching, honking and spinning, the wrong way signaling driver
just Miss America-waved the rest of us off and kept going. Then, while
still rattled from my near death experience, I came home and poured
myself a diet coke over ice. I dropped an ice cube on the floor and
Suki got very excited about it! She chased it and kicked it around and
was so happy. I started checking my email, made some calls, then
stepped away to get more diet coke when SPLAT! I was sliding around my
floor just like the ice cube was. Hey, ice cubes turn to lethal death
water on the tile floor when you forget there are there.
Our neighbors had a real cute Great Pyrenees puppy that was a snowball
a few weeks ago and now weighs about 300 pounds and likes human flesh.
Especially human flesh carrying bags of trash to their bins. I know
this because this morning when I took my trash to my cans in our side
yard, the puppy who is now The Abominable Snowman jumped on the fence
sending chunks of wood and dog drool into the air-- and me running for
my life.
My husband claims the dog is nice and would likely just have licked me
to death -but- that dog has a penis. I've seen Animal Planet, I am
aware. So I grabbed my camera and went back to get a photo, just in
case. I had about .37345 of a second to snap this photo before more bits of fence went flying.
If that dog knocks the fence over while I am out there braless, without
lipstick, and in mismatched clothes because I thought nobody would see
me, there will be some serious use of my negative powers.
It's March, the third month of the year. We were both born in this
third month and three has always been my lucky number. And Karen has
always been my favorite sister. Last March, as we worked on our third
book with Pam (the third author), Karen had cancer. What a frightening
thing. Thanks to a routine mammogram, that stupid cancer was found
early and was treated and Karen is alive for another birthday! Her
being alive is the best gift ever. So this month, we
are celebrating being alive and healthy and being alive and being alive
and being alive. One way we're celebrating life and health and sisterhood is by donating
30% of our proceeds from the sales in March 2010 of Meeting In The
Ladies Room to Susan G. Komen For The Cure. Meeting
In The Ladies Room is a perfect gift for the women in your life. Buy a
few copies in March and give them as gifts for birthdays, Mother's Day,
or just because. Everyone loves a just because you make me happy gift.
Let the WE'RE ALIVE celebration begin! There will be prizes this month (of course!).
***This just got even better! FREE SHIPPING! Order your copy of Meeting In The Ladies Room by March 22nd, and shipping is FREE.
Enter these codes at checkout for free Ground/Economy shipping~
USD $ promo code: WESHIP (Canadian orders use this code, too)
I love going to the grocery store. Well, I love being in the grocery
store. I love looking at all the packaging, the colors and shapes in
the produce section (art!) and of course there is the bakery. I love
the aroma of grocery store donuts. That always reminds me of summers
with our nana. But lately getting in and out of the grocery store has
become a pain. At every entrance and exit there are people with
clipboards or products or something and they can't wait to ask you to
buy their thing the second you are near the entrance/exit to the
store. I imagine it is worse if you are famous and the pesky people
are holding cameras at unflattering angles, but this is still bad.
At my local Ralphs, there's this guy from Grace Cleaners who follows
people to their cars and asks them if they ever-EVER- need dry
cleaning. He stands by your cart and tries to chat with you until you
give in and take his coupon and I am pretty sure pages from the bible.
I use my negative powers with him but he doesn't get a clue. I try to
time my exit of the store behind other people so I can skate by behind
them brushing the guy off and get to my car un-noticed. Or, I try going
out another exit.
Today, in the pouring rain, neither entrance/exit was safe. On the
right was the Grace Cleaners coupon guy and on the left was a gang of
girl scouts and their moms selling cookies. I entered at the side with
the graceless guy and figured I'd take my chances leaving on the cookie
side.
Like most people, I love Girl Scout cookies. And like most people, I
have a Thin Mint dealer. I don't buy my cookies on the street, or at the
grocery store exit. I was a girl scout once, for a year, just to get
the inside scoop on the cookie scheme. Back then, the our version of
internet sales was called going door-to-door. Not very safe. I get that
kids should not do that now and that it should not have ever been done.
Yet, we did learn a thing or two about selling because we had to find
ways to sell our cookies and meet our goal. We did not, for example,
go to a place were people were already going to buy food and stand
there and harass people.
I pushed my cart out the exit door as the giant raindrops fell,
making giant puddles between the parking lot and the entrance. Five
uniformed little girl scouts rushed to me asking if I wanted some
cookies. Their moms sat there, texting, next to a long table with boxes
of cookies stacked on it. No thanks, good luck! I said as I walked
on. The girls followed me, just like the dry cleaner guy. The moms kept
texting. Oh come on, you know you want some. Then the other one chimed
in. Yeah, you know you want some.
They know I want some? What the hell kind of selling tactic is that? I
was so shocked that these little kids were speaking to me like 15
year-old boys that I stood there for a second just looking at them
trying to figure out what was wrong with them and how to respond. The
moms were still texting as another visibly annoyed woman with a full
grocery cart came out. Hey lady, would you like some cookies? No thank
you. Come on, you know you want some. Our eyes met as the girls kept
insisting we wanted some and the next thing I knew, the woman was
explaining to me how her cart had a wobbly wheel as she pushed it
toward the table of cookies.
It's funny how those wobbly wheeled carts are good at pushing over stacks of boxed cookies. As
the moms got up to rescue their investment that was now floating in a
puddle of rain, the woman said it was such a shame the cookies were all
wet- she really wanted some, oh well. Then she walked out into the rain.
I hope the next time Wonder Woman is at the store she exits on the dry
cleaner guy side. If I wait long enough, she will have cleared all the
entrances and exits for me, once again making shopping a pleasurable
experience.
Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about: ~Meeting
In The Ladies Room is YUMMY! There's a month-long contest starting
today at The YummyMummy Club and there are 5 chances to win a copy of
Meeting In The Ladies Room. Ladies Room Lady, artist Kathleen Tennant
has written an article about her involvement in the book , and about
being a mom, and about being a woman (and not in that order) and the
answer to the contest question is in her fantastic article.
~I'm actually meeting Kathleen tomorrow!
~Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Pretzel Bark. It's not so barky that your
teeth will break and not too salty that you''ll need a diuretic. A
perfect combo of salty, sweet, and dark chocolate.
~Our cat loves to go on walks, just like a DOG! To save face, we only walk her in the back yard.
Our Bêtes Noires: ~ Men turn 75 at around age 41. What age do women turn 75? ~Old
Navy's use of mannequins instead of real people in their commercials.
Why would sending the message that your clothes don't fit real people
be good?
~Any time I try a mascara that a magazine says is the absolute BEST, it
is always the worst and smells like a Bic pen from 1970. This time it
was Lash Stilleto that Real Simple said was good. I could not get the
smell off my eyes fast enough and it was barely noticeable on my
lashes. Even with 6 coats, the only way I knew I had mascara on was
that I could smell it.
~Both Winchell's and Krispy Kreme are are virtually gone, and
Ghirardelli brownies are for a teensie 8x8 pan. That's ONE serving.
~Even though lately my average turn around time for responding to stuff
not related to work is 3 months (sorry, life change), I'd be really happy if people who make money off me would
respond to me in a timely manner. And not just when they need
something.
I hate it when people tell me to think positively. Never in my 40 years
of life has thinking positively ever changed anyone else's behavior. I
don't think it has even changed my behavior other than by providing
humorous punchlines to situations. Being able to laugh is usually what
saves me. I think find what is funny is way better advice than think
positively. I always thought being positive, reliable, and responsible
did change situations. And really~ cheery, positive people who laugh
at things are much more fun to be around.
So, I went through life being laughy while being OCD responsible so I
wouldn't be the cause of anyone else's stupid day and I looked on the
bright side when everyone I know and love got cancery, and friends
died, and we lost jobs, and our medical insurance turned to crap,
and when people screwed me over, and when spiders attacked me, and
when people stole my art and thought I wouldn't notice, and when
everything in my house broke at once, and when friends got all mad at
me about stupid stuff that wasn't even true, and when Trader Joe's
stopped selling that BBQ chicken I was addicted to. I found the funny
in all of that. Actually, I am laughing at those memories now!
But then December rolled around and my husband got injured and life
came to a screeching halt. A halt that is expected to last about a
year. In a moment with one of my friends who thinks every negative
thing in the world is about her*, I accidentally let out an oh my
Buddha! I can't believe this! about my current situation. Not even a
real negative thought. She got all huffy and told me to think
positively. I was all yeah, that will help.
Then, in that moment my latest experiment in how people react was born.
I decided to actively think negatively to see if it made my life any
better. For the next few weeks, I had some major negativity going on.
Way more than usual! I even said some out loud to see how people
responded. In general, me being negative made all the negative people
around me MORE POSITIVE and I got MORE FREE STUFF.
Here's what happened at walmart when I went to buy some canvas:
First
I had to ring the bell 11 times to get some help. I rang it extra hard
to let them know I was a total bitch. Normally, I'd stand there all
patient, taking photos of stuff.
The girl finally came to the fabric counter. Negative Me: Hi, can you please cut one yard of this for me? Woe Is Me Walmart Girl: Um wool, it's really stiff. Negative Me: Yes. Just roll it out and cut. (positive me would've offered to do it for her) Woe Is Me Walmart Girl: Wool, you can't even really sew through this
unless you have a sharp needle. It's soooo stiff. I hate unrolling this
stuff. Negative Me: Why don't you just quit your job if you hate it so much? Woe Is Me Walmart Girl: How much is a yard? Negative Me: 3 feet. Didn't they teach you that? Woe
Is Me Walmart Girl: Oh, I thought it was 4 feet. I cut too much but I
will only charge you for one yard. Here you go, have a great day!
The free extra foot of canvas made me feel really bad that I was
thinking DIE!!!!!!!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!! YOU IDIOT!!!! while she was
attempting to cut the canvas for me. Whew, luckily thinking doesn't
really do anything. I've been back to walmart a few times and canvas
girl is still alive and well and still doesn't know how many feet are
in a yard. And, she always says hi when she sees me like we are
friends. How sad that she thinks because I was rude to her that we are
pals. Is rude the new friendship?
Then I decided to do a test with the credit card company. First I was positive: Positive
Me: Hi, I have paid my bill on time for 11 years. My husband was
injured and he's on disability for 8 months, is there any way we can
get our interest rate lowered? Blood Sucking Bitch: Is your husband there? Positive Me: Yes, but I pay all the bills. Blood Sucking Bitch: No, we can't help you. Would you like to make a payment to avoid late charges today?
I
hung up and called back 2 minutes later to get another operator so I
could try the negative version. During the two minutes I thought THIS
WILL NEVER WORK over and over.
Negative Me: Hi, I have paid my bill on time for 11 years. My
husband was injured, he's on disability for 8 months and now my life is
absolute shit. It's so horrible. Can you lower my interest rate? I
know you probably won't since you have a job to do and you don't care. Blood Sucking Bitch: I can lower it and how about if I take $100 off your balance, will that help you dear?
Oh. Ok. I will take that.
So
yeah, thinking positively ain't all it's cracked up to be. Being a
negative nelly sure does take a lot of energy when you are normally a
laughy person. I have learned that the more negative I am the more
positive everyone else is. Or, when I say negative things, it just
makes other people stop talking. That part cracks me up the most. I
finally found out how to silence people! I am finding the funny in this
and the extra savings! There IS power in negativity. I think the key is to use your power wisely. Everything in moderation, just like with cookies and Ambien.
Last night two of our very funny friends (and Ladies Room Ladies) came
over for dinner. They brought meat balls, pecan pie, and wine~ three
things I didn't start to like until later in life. I mostly like wine
when other people choose it or bring it over or buy it because I don't
know enough about it to get it on my own, similar to the way I never
used to be able to order anything at Starbucks by myself. I love
looking at wine bottles and wine labels, though. One of the best art
exhibits I have ever been to was an exhibit of wine labels. But that has nothing to do with this.
In addition to a perfect pecan pie, and the best
GLUTEN-FREE* meatballs, my friend gave us a look at her secret skill.
She makes the coolest felted and beaded brooches. They are so bright and cheery
and I just love them. It's so fun having creative friends who make
things so different than what you make yourself. I always love to see
what color and shape combos other artists come up with and it's so
inspiring to see people expressing themselves. My friend's little
brooches are such a representation of her personality. And, they look
really cute on a denim jacket.
It was night of fun, laughter, good eats, and art.
And the best part was they left the pie here. This morning while Dustin slept, I got up very early and had some for breakfast.
Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about: ~Zone
Perfect Indulgence "nutrition" squares in Caramel Toffee. Not at all
cardboardy and very satisfying. There's a $1 off coupon in the boxes of
regular Zone bars. They taste even better when they are cheaper. I am
addicted to these. Karen is addicted to the Luna S'mores bars.
~It's like spring in So Cal this week. Perfectly cheery weather.
~Ignacio is now a proud papa! I wonder if his son will grow up appreciating his what can choo do? wisdom.
~We are almost in March, the month of birthday cake and wishes.
~New red mittens and hot cinnamon gum.
~Some new Adam Lambert videos! I love Fever!
Our Bêtes Noires: ~There was no Valentine's
Day candy on sale on February 15th! All the Easter candy was on the
shelves already and the red and pink foil wrapped candies were being
hauled away!
~People responding to Kevin Smith being too fat for Southwest by saying
he should fly first class or by private jet anyway. Uhhhh? What does
being fat have to do with having money? I find it hard to believe that
he could afford to fly everywhere in first class or by private jet. He
made Clerks, not Avatar. And, everyone in LA flies Southwest to No Cal
or Vegas, that is how we get there, even the celebrities. But still, I
am not surprised he got crappy customer service. Doesn't everyone? Now I am afraid
to get on an airplane for a whole new set of reasons.
~Spiders are back! The good thing is the cat has been alerting me about
them before they see me as snack food. I am sleeping with the lights on. ~Big Love is boring this season.
~Even though we are in the same time zone as Vancouver, the Olympics
aren't on until they have already happened and we have seen the results
all over the internet. Why don't we see them in real time?
~The voice on the Binder & Binder commercials sounds like the
creepiest child molester ever. I have nightmares about it. I need a
lawyer to protect me from that voice.
I just put a some art on canvas and a spirit house in my shop. The canvas art is larger (10"x10") than I usually offer for sale online but I was feeling like putting something different out there. Change is in the air! In the spirit of different, it's one of my pieces with one of my drawings instead of a photo. I have had that chair drawing tacked to my bulletin board for a while...chairs and pears are always self-portraits, I think.
